Marrying outside the State was a Big Mistake.

A number of Kashmiri girls marrying outside the state find it hard to adopt and embrace new culture, food habits, customs etc and end up back home. Saima Bhat talks to three such girls who after struggling to cope up with their new lives flock back, bruised

In 2005, Sheeba, then 20, was married to her cousin, who was residing in Pune. It was her parents’ decision but after living a different lifestyle and trying to fit in a different culture, she feels strangulated every day. Every day was a new challenge for her.
In Kashmir, intra-cultural marriages were mostly preferred, but post 90s it changed. However, Dr Bashir Ahmad Dabla, a sociologist says, “The trend of inter-cultural and inter-caste marriages started long ago, before 90s. It started when Kashmiris went to places like Kolkata for trade and other Indian states for education. It is not only girls are getting married with Kashmiri boys but some girls are getting married outside the state as well.”

Sheeba’s father Ghulam Mohammad, a Pashmina trader started moving outside the state for his business during late 70s. But soon after, he fell in love with a Muslim Bengali girl and got married to her. The couple was blessed with a daughter and a son and they started living in old city of Srinagar.
One day, Sheeba’s maternal aunt, who was residing in Pune, sent a marriage proposal of her son Adil, an Engineering student. Sheeba was studying in 12th standard then.
Initially Sheeba’s father was reluctant but he had to surrender before his wife’s wish, who was excited about the proposal. And within no time, Sheeba and Adil were married.

Sheeba couldn’t complete her studies but Adil did his engineering and got a job. “All these years I remained busy in kitchen and forgot myself. I never complained of adjustment problems at a new place or of leaving my studies. Even after all these compromises I am not happy,” says Sheeba.
“Life is better there but I am not comfortable. I have been brought up in a conservative society and more than that I belong to 90’s generation so you can imagine how my thinking will be. It can’t be alright if my husband comes late in the night, mid-night or goes for official tours with his colleagues for a week or so. Late night parties, different social gatherings, I am not comfortable and I can’t change my thinking. Nobody understands me.”
After nine-years of marriage, Sheeba feels that nobody cares how she is sacrificing every single day of her life to make things work. “I have to search the internet to know the exact prayer timings as there are no mosque around in Pune where I lived. It has been a while since I have heard Azaan.”

Even festivals like Eid are just holidays in Pune, without any fervor or excitement. “In Kashmir, Eid is celebrated in such a fashion that you remember it for months to come,” says Sheeba.
It was only after a year of her marriage that Sheeba came back home forever, leaving everything behind. But after her mother and aunt’s assurance that things will change for good, she returned to her husband.

“When I saw her after a year, Sheeba was looking pale and her sunken eyes spoke of her pain. That beautiful and most lively person was lost,” says one of her cousins. “But she went back and we couldn’t do anything for her.”
Presently Sheeba is living a lonely life. “After all these years of marriage, I am still uncertain about my future. Ironically, now my husband has started complaining about my qualification. And he keeps on roaming around with his female colleagues. He is more comfortable with them. My privacy has been breached and I feel isolated. I can’t discuss such things with my aunt or mother because I fear it may strain our relation further. I am living a relation of just compromises.”
Dr Dabla says that inter-cultural marriages have their limitations as well. The people start getting problems while comprehending an alien language, cultural patterns, accommodation, social-setup and life style. “It is both way process; non-Kashmiri girls get married here and Kashmiri girls marry outside. And this we call as indianization, social integration which gets stronger day by day.”

He says there have been many cases where Kashmiris went to Russia or America for their studies but end up marrying there. They settled there, fearing the social adjustment problems.

But for thirty-year-old Iram, getting married outside the state turned out to be an unending nightmare. Her case was different from Sheeba’s and Shazia’s. She had married a Hindu boy without the consent of her parents.

After passing her 12th Standard examination Iram, then 18-years-old, got admission in Bachelors of Technology in a Delhi college. It was there, she got into a relation with a Hindu boy, Anil. Being a Muslim, Iram was aware of her parents’ reaction over her relation, so soon after completing their graduations, both decided to get married.
Before deciding to meet Iram’s family in Kashmir, the couple spent a month with Anil’s family in Delhi, who too were reluctant to accept the marriage. But both Iram and Anil had already made up their mind to face any consequences.
Iram being the only child of her parents was sure that once she will be married, her parents can’t do anything and they will be bound to accept their marriage. But she was wrong.
“They did just the opposite. After marriage I went home to meet my parents but we were both beaten up. I was locked up in my room and Anil was thrown out of the Jawahar tunnel. Initially I thought they might have killed him,” alleges Iram.
While Iram was wailing over her husband’s supposed death, one of her cousin informed her that Anil was sent home and not killed. “That was a relief, at least he was alive.”
After six months of struggle, Iram’s family motivated her to file a case in district court for divorce. She agreed. But once the judge asked Iram why she is seeking a divorce, she broke-out before him and narrated her ordeal.

“The Judge ordered my family to send me to Delhi to continue my married life. After that my parents couldn’t do anything but they broke up all the ties with me. That too was horrible but I didn’t want to live without Anil, so I decided to go back to Delhi,” recalls Iram.
Once back to Delhi, Iram was excited to meet her husband but the things had changed, and so was Anil. They started living together but the attitude of Anil’s family had changed towards her. “They would torture me mentally. Keep me without food for days together,” alleges Iram. “But what pained me the most was Anil’s attitude towards me. He was not even moved by what his parents were doing to me. I asked him a number of times that we should shift to some other place but he would not listen. I am giving him time because he too is angry for my parents’ behavior.”
With nothing going right in her life, Iram found herself sliding into depression.
To ride through this difficult phase in her life Iram decided to work again but the fear of going home was ‘haunting’.
“I couldn’t live separately because my husband won’t like it. Neither could I return home. Life is horrible. I cry a lot to unburden my heart. It is my only solace now,” feels Iram.
“I have ruined my life. Irony is I don’t have any place where I can go. I am frustrated and isolated.”

(All names in the story have been changed on request.)
Source::KashmirLife
Modified by::DAR_AABID

Don’t Throw This Banana Part Ever Again. This Is Why!

The health benefits of bananas are undeniable. But, it’s not only the flesh that can boost your health. The peel can do wonders too.
Although we normally throw banana peels in the garbage as soon as we finish eating the fruit, this appears to be completely wrong. For instance, people in India eat the peel as well because it’s abundant in vitamins and minerals too.
Read on and find out how you can make the most of your banana including the peel.

     1. Whiten your teeth

To whiten your teeth simply rub them with the inner part of the peel on a regular daily basis for two weeks. You’ll be able to see positive results after a few treatments.

    2. Remove warts

Banana peels can effectively eliminate warts on your skin. Apply a piece of banana peel on the affected skin and secure with a band-aid. Leave overnight. Repeat until the wart falls off.

3. Treat acne and wrinkles

If you have sensitive and wrinkle-prone skin, banana peels are just the thing for you. They pack a lot of antioxidants that can effectively reduce any signs of aging. Plus, they are great moisturizers that nourish and deep-hydrate your skin. To reap the benefits, rub your face or the sensitive or inflamed parts with the inner part of a banana peel. Leave it on for half an hour then rinse.

4. Reduce the symptoms of psoriasis

While it’s true that banana skin can’t cure psoriasis, it can actually reduce the symptoms of this skin condition significantly. As in the previous treatment, rub the affected skin with the inner part of the peel on a regular basis.

5. A powerful analgesic

If you suffer from pain anywhere on your body, simply apply some banana skin on the spot. It’s a powerful analgesic that will reduce the pain without you having to take pain-killers.

6. Weight loss tool

The first association with bananas is definitely their high potassium content. However, most of this mineral is actually found in the peel. Potassium is one of the most important nutrients when it comes to weight loss. It boosts your metabolism so that you burn more fat and have more energy at the same time.
Banana skin is also abundant in fiber, antioxidants and vitamins A and B. in fact, it contains more fiber than the fruit, and it’s the fiber that keeps you full longer.

BANANA PEEL WEIGHT LOSS RECIPE
4 green banana peels
1 teaspoon curcuma
a pinch of salt
2 teaspoons coconut oil
½ cup black-eyed peas soaked overnight
½ teaspoon mustard seeds
2 tablespoons raw grated coconut
juice of one lemon.

Directions:
Slice the peels nicely then boil them in water together with curcuma and a pinch of salt. Add a few drops of oil to the water. Strain, but keep the liquid for later.
Boil the black-eyed peas, or wash them thoroughly if you are using tinned ones. Melt the coconut oil on low temperature. Add the mustard seeds and stir-fry for a few minutes.
Add the peas and banana peels, stir for 5 minutes then remove from heat. In the end, add the lemon juice. Your meal is ready...!

KEEP SHARING

Thanks & Regards:::DAR_AABID

In KASHMIR “Ladki Ki Izzat Lut Gayi” The untold story.

By || Syed Aatirah Tahoor

Sairah, 26, visiting a gynecologist for years now.

She is not able to conceive.

Doctors are hopeful that she will be able to bear a child but she has to stop taking anti-depressants, which she says she is unable to live without.

She Narrates:

“It all started when I was in class ten. One of my relatives visited our home and stayed there for weeks because he had been looking for a job. My parents worked in a private company. One day I came back home and my parents weren’t present. This relative came and looked very dull, I don’t know but I believe I was scared of him that moment. His voice was horrific when he asked for water. I went into the kitchen and within no time he was behind me. I realized pretty late that my clothes were torn, I had bruises and marks all over my body and my private part had bled severely. When I opened my eyes, with a hope that it is a nightmare, I saw my mother besides me weeping and my father was standing near the window. I think he was weeping too. Then he said that we are moving from the town and we will shift to some other place. This thing, whatever happened, needs not to be told, Izzat ka sawaal hai (honour matters).

We moved to another city and I was strictly told not to reveal anything, otherwise I won’t get a suitor.

I still remember the pain I went through, physical, emotional and psychological. I used to get nightmares. I couldn’t sleep alone for months.

My mother bought me medicines that helped me to sleep. I still can’t sleep if I don’t take those. It has been almost a decade now. I didn’t like to go out. I was forced to stop school so I actually never went out for a year or so.

Then as soon as I was 18, my parents decided to get me married.

They looked for several boys and men, but I was mostly rejected because I looked weird.

One fine day, I met this guy during the process of looking for a groom. He somehow accepted to marry me and we got engaged the following week. After my engagement, I decided to tell my would-be husband the truth but my family didn’t allow us to meet alone even during our courtship. May be they knew I may not “keep the secret”. I got married after a year. I was 20 then.

I had problems in my marriage because my husband realized I wasn’t virgin and he questioned me about it the very first day after our marriage. I couldn’t resist speaking the truth and that impacted my marriage in a very bad manner.

My husband still doesn’t talk to me like husbands should. But I feel lucky that he didn’t confront my family and somehow understood why he wasn’t told the truth.

For past five years we are trying to start a family but I am not able to conceive. Doctors say it is because of the side effect of the sleeping tablets, but I can’t give those up. I cannot live without those. I still get nightmares of that fateful day, even when I take a nap during day. How would I sleep a whole night without tablets?”

Another girl, Razia, 21, is at a psychiatric clinic. She is with her boyfriend. She narrates her story and says that no girl should ever witness what she has experienced in life.

“I used to be a very happy girl, until my cousin’s marriage when I was 14. I and my whole family went there. Everyone was busy in their respective work and I was busy playing, that’s what every child does, isn’t it?

One of my cousin’s friends came to me and said he is going to market and wants to take me along. I was happy with the idea but wanted to ask my mother’s permission.

Mom permitted with smiling face.

As we went to the market, we brought some flowers and bouquets, he told me that he has some work at his home so we will first go there and then go back to the marriage hall.

                          I agreed.

As I went in there was no one present in the house. He took me inside and told me to wait in one room until he gets his stuff done.

It was taking him longer than expected so I thought of knocking at the door of his room to remind him that we have to go.

I went towards his room, the door was partially open and I could see his computer screen.

He was watching porn.

I knocked and said Bhaya it is getting late. He asked me to come in. I resisted saying we need to go but he insisted. I peeped through the door he had minimized that window so I opened the door and said we should go. He came towards me and dragged me in. The only thing I remember now is pain and blood.

He then asked me to clean myself as we had to go. He even beat me. He terrified me and said I must not tell this to anyone otherwise he will say to everyone that I wanted him to do this.

I don’t remember exactly what the other blackmails were.

That horror accompanied me for years but I never spoke to anyone about it.

It was only when I joined college and met him pointing towards her boyfriend).

He brought back my confidence and now takes care of me. He stood by me and that makes me feel that I will get over my horrible past.”

Sairah and Razia are just a few examples.

There are many more horrible stories that made me shiver while listening.

I get Goosebumps when I recapitulate those stories.

I feel I can never pen those down because my shivering hands won’t let me.

Sexual abuse is one of the common crimes and the most concealed crimes in our society. And most of the times the guilty is someone known to the victim.

There are hundreds of cases pending in the courts of law and several hundred that get unreported. And those who report it say that they feel they shouldn’t have because the cases are pending for years and guilty is roaming freely.

“He is married now and has two sons. He lives a dignified life and I have been fighting for more than a decade now and I can’t even get married because nobody marries a raped women. I feel I am being punished for standing up for truth and asking for justice. My parents are ashamed of me. They don’t support me anymore”, said Sheeba who is 33.

“The law has to change and we have to be given justice. For how long will we fight and our guilty will roam around us happily, living his life and even enjoying it?” asks Zamirah who was raped by her brother in law soon after her marriage.

She was divorced after she decided to file a complaint.

“Two things need to change, if we want the rape victims to live confidently. One is the law that provides bail to the guilty and second is the social taboo of ladki ki izzat lut gayi.

Instead, the person who commits this crime should feel that he has stripped his honor and not the victims.” said a lawyer, who has been taking up these cases for years now.

The article is based on true stories.

Suggestion: As we have our own Mother, sister daughter etc. So we should also give respect to others as we are treating our own..

Names of the people have been changed to respect their identities.

Appeal: Don’t stop if you know a story, because there are is need to speak against. Let us stand and prove it “we are strong enough” says a victim.

LIFE STORY not the only love story

To love and to be loved, is something we humans crave for. At least, some of us do. But, it hurts when the important one leaves us suddenly..

When I was in college and lost my mom to stroke, I made a friend online. Soon we became best friends. One day I casually told him about a crush I had on someone. This was the time when he realised he had feelings for me and couldn’t let go of me. He proposed but I told him I really don’t have romantic feelings for him. No, my intentions were not to friend zone him! I just didn’t feel attracted to him. He didn’t take no for an answer, he started coming to meet me every weekend from a city five hours from mine.

    Each weekend we would meet and he would convince me of how great we would be given our love for books, drawing, puzzles and quizzes. He used to wait hours outside my college. He treated my friends wonderfully! Even my friends started asking me why I would let go of such a genuine and nice guy.

He was intelligent, thoughtful, creative, sensitive and very mature. He had lost his parents and was taking care of his grandmom and brother. One weekend, I asked him to stop trying to convince me and I said we can only be friends if you never talk about this again. I still remember how I stormed off towards the escalator at the metro station while he simply stood there, numb and teary eyed.I felt like a monster.

   I sent him a sorry message and called him the next day to make sure he is okay. He talked me for a minute. Then he switched off his phone. Many times i wanted to meet him to say him that i also love him and want to marry him. But he never met me after that. I was so worried about him. But i was helpless. After waiting him for many years. Then i got married with my first crush. Istill miss him. If i got married with him i may be the happiest. Because in relationship the one who is loved gets much freedom then the one who loves the other. Sometimes i think how can i get him back. But everything has changed now. The only thing i am doing is praying for him.... Isn't it enough now..

Thanks for reading and keep sharing..

A simple inspiring story

Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it.
She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot and ground coffee beans in the third pot.

He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.

After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?" "Potatoes, eggs and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft.
He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak.
The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard.

However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which one are you?" he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.

Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react? Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change into something worthwhile?

*Motivational Quote: "Happiness is not something you find, it's something you create."

*Inspirational Quote: "Smile in pleasure, smile in pain; Smile when trouble pours like rain; Smile when someone hurts you, Smile coz someone cares for you."

'The power of positive thinking'

In life, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed. We don't really have to go looking for them. We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise. Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us!
This can be read as "GOD IS NO WHERE" or as "GOD IS NOW HERE" everything depends on how you see it. So think positive always. Thinking positive is the key to your success.

All successful people have one thing in common: Positive thinking and passion for what they are doing!
Norman Vincent Peale, the famous author of "The Power of Positive Thinking" once told this story.
A man once telephoned Norman Vincent Peale. He was despondent and told the reverend that he had nothing left to live for. Norman Vincent Peale invited the man over to his office. "Everything is gone, hopeless," the man told him. "I'm living in deepest darkness. In fact, I've lost heart for living altogether."
Norman Vincent Peale smiled sympathetically.

"Let's take a look at your situation," he said calmly. On a sheet of paper he drew a vertical line down the middle. He suggested that they list on the left side the things the man had lost, and on the right, the things he had left. "You won't need that column on the right side," said the man sadly. "I have nothing left, period."

Norman Vincent Peale asked, "When did your wife leave you?"
"What do you mean? She hasn't left me. My wife loves me!"
"That's great!" said Norman Vincent Peale enthusiastically. "Then that will be number one in the right-hand column - Wife hasn't left. Now, when were your children jailed?"
"That's silly. My children aren't in jail!"
"Good! That's number two in the right-hand column - Children not in jail," said Norman Vincent Peale, jotting it down.

After a few more questions in the same vein, the man finally got the point and smiled in spite of himself. "Funny, how things change when you think of them that way," he said.
Motivational Quote: "Be sure that you appreciate everything you've got; and be thankful for the little things in life that mean a lot."
Inspirational Quote: "It is not what you have but it is how you think has a profound effect on your life."